Theres a Motherfu**ing Jack Rabbit Slims In The UK

So i’m writing this with a massive hard on, a red meat induced hard on!!! That’s right Jack Rabbit Slims, Quentin Tarantino’s brain child and Pulp Fictions burger bar which features John and Uma dancing like cool mofo’s whilst high on every drug you can think of! 

This is nostalgic for me but not because of the heroin but because when i was younger i envisaged one day stepping foot in a Jack Rabbit Slims.

So i’m doing it… i am going to take the 3 hour journey to Hartlepool, dress up in a black suit like a gangster who has amazing hips when he dances, eat a massive burger and try the 5 dollar (or in this case £3.20) milkshake. After that i will take my hips and shake them all over that dance floor and win the competition.

I bet you i go their and it is nothing like what i have described it’s probably closed down 😦 However if you want to journey with me, here is the link to the website… come forth with me and live out your dreams!!!

Advertisements

Working From Home = Watching Twats Fight over Knickers on JK

Getting up at 8.55am, not because i’m tired but because i can! Today I’m working from home and i refuse to get up on time, i plan to log on at 8.59am whilst rapping to Kanye West Can’t Tell Me Nothing in the shower… #LivingLifeBitches

As much as it’s great being able to lay down on your sofa/bed, munch on mars bars and drink coke at 9:30am you do realise it gets a bit lonely… so what do you do? Well you put Jeremy Kyle on that’s what you do!!!

Today’s episode involved an irate couple airing their dirty laundry on TV by fighting over who wore who’s knickers and who stole money from who (honestly that was what the episode was about), with JK in the middle shouting over them – the problem is they don’t understand him he uses too many syllables so do them a favour, just keep it to a 1 word syllable please mate.

Surely there is an easy way to deal with these trivial problems, you know what they should do… get this guy to sort their problems out, get rid of Graham and put Kim Jong Un in … Sorted

Screen Shot 2015-07-14 at 16.59.26

Lucy Beale is Dead, Can You Believe It?

Here we have it the local plod have made an arrest for the Lucy Beale murder… That’s it we can finally lay this bird to rest. Nope because now with writers using dramatic irony we know this storyline is going to continue to drag out until the next 30 year anniversary, Lord help us!

As you can tell i am a bit bored with the Lucy Beale facade, they’ve thrown two suspects into the mix, Ben Mitchell who we’ve seen has just had his first threesome with blow up doll and a dead body. Also Walford’s newest tramp Max Branning who has been identified by the illegal immigrant taxi driver (original Eastenders well done).

It annoys me because Ben is a scape goat for every crime that is committed in Walford i’m surprised they didn’t blame him for Nasty Nick’s death he would of been a more likely candidate than Dot “hallelujah” Branning.

We’re also going to be hearing Max’s constant feet shuffling throughout scenes – honestly if you listen closely every time he works he drags his feet across the floor as he will be questioned, vilified and attacked by all the local residents, it happens every year when he does something wrong.

The point is we know the little satanic murderer that is Bobby “Fuck You Up” Beale killed Lucy and he needs to get his comeuppance especially as the ignorant little fucker doesn’t even know he’s the culprit and now looks like giving the police vital evidence which is surely going to land Jane in the shit too. This kid is just one calamity after the other.

If it was me i will be saying to everyone: “Lock up your daughters, Bobby Beale is in town”Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 08.38.30

Lockie’s Got All His Fingers in Many Pies!

There was a lot crammed into this weeks Towie episode… So here goes: we found out the G.C has a new past time involving none other than her Vag, Fat Boy Slim aka Arg has a new manager in Lewis Bore who is going to take him to Justin Bieber status, Lauren “Not So Religious” Pope made up then broke up with Jess Wright again, T Mallet still can’t string his words together and Russell Brand impersonator Pete is trying to be peace maker for the most hated woman in Essex. Now breath!!

Lets get to the juice of this weeks episode, the girls have been at hammer and tongs for a few weeks now this whole Lauren and Jess thing has got out of hand. Jess doing her best ‘poor me’ routine by stating that Lauren “Not So Religious” Pope broke the girl code by dating Dan and then made Jess feel uncomfortable by breaking up with him, poor Popey doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going does she.

Dannielle has be spouting off about how Verifty Chapman is the most hated woman in Essex because she kissed dim Jake when he was not so single but she was and flirted with velvet toned Lockie on a night out but didn’t kiss or sleep with him just stroked his arm. We think that arm assisted Lockie’s hand in going to a place where every man has gone before and created the warmest fish pie in Chigwell.

The episode was finished off with a duff duff moment (erm wrong show) but a cliff hanger nonetheless with Vas revealing he has video evidence of some skullduggery from lockie’s part… oooooh i wonder what it is, the fish pie perhaps? Anyway in truth we don’t know what Lockie did that night however if we rewind back to the first series the girls could of been dealing with this guy and trust me he’s made more fish pies and more dogs dinner this side of Chigwell.

Screen Shot 2015-07-20 at 14.53.10

An Orgy With The Fantastic Four

So the Fantastic Four Trailer has been released and it looks immense, i’m not going to lie i creamed my pants after watching this video.

It sees stars Kate Mara, Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell cope with the dark side of their newfound superpowers in an alternate universe in a bid to save Earth.

i just can’t wait to see this foursome gang banging some baddies and showing us what being a super hero is all about.

Shit’s Going Down in Wayward Pines!

So the happy town that was once Wayward Pines is now a place of misery and uproar it went from a friendly neighbourhood to now a night out in Brixton!

So the weird members of Wayward Pines Academy (it’s almost like some satanic cult) want Ethan Burke (we’ll just call him ‘The Burke’) to enforce the towns laws and smoke the fools that planned the terrorist attack. The oddball scientist that is Pilcher who seems tense sides with these maniacs.

I’m just interested in how they are going to end this… i can see The Burke going down the same route as the other sheriff… you know… giving a high five to Grim Reaper when he stops by.